I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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