I faked an abortion last night.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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