Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
