They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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