i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
