My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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