Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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