Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
