I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could teleport
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
How's work?
Spinning.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
