K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
