We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have post one night stand depression
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