eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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