The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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