You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
