Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
