Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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