I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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