Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
