Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
