So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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