Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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