So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
