He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
