4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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