apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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