i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
