I need to stop coming to work sober
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
