I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
