Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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