i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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