Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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