When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
