If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
