Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
