Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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