I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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