You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
