I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
