I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
well you can't waste a boner
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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