Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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