Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
