My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
