Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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