Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
