Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Duck Duck Cougar?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
