Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
