I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
