my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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