Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
They have beer where we have blood.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
