Welp...herpes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
